The kazoo even comes with a 34-page instruction book. Perfect for the aspiring professional Kazooer. Kazooist? Oh, who am I kidding? That’s not a real job.

Band in a Bucket Holiday Edition, $19.99 at Toys R Us.

Also shown: First Act Percussion Pack, $29.99 at Toys R Us.

Vosges chocolate was at the forefront of the ongoing (and wonderful) bacon renaissance, and they continue to innovate. This year, there’s   bacon chocolate chip mix ($12), bacon caramel toffee (also $12), a flying chocolate pig ($8), and a $62 gift set. Original Mo’s Bacon Bars, in milk and dark chocolate, are $7.50. Mini bars are available for $2.50. Mix and match 6 bars for $12.50. Stack ‘em, wrap ‘em in a ribbon, and give them to your                                                                         foodie friend. Sweet.

Remember how annoyed you were to have to listen to this person talk and talk and talk and then have that horrible, horrible song stuck in your head? Next time, give that friend the  Nightmare Snatcher Journal by Spiderbite, where she can write down all her worst night frights in the pages of a fuzzy notebook with eyes and a mouth.

You might also want to give her the name of a good psychotherapist. ‘Cause anyone who dreams about Corey Feldman is probably in a very dark place.

From $25, on Etsy.com

Oompa has a huge selection of gift items you won’t find at major retailers or even smaller specialty shops. And while these types of toys can cost a pretty penny, there’s an ample selection of  great gifts under $25. (I especially like this Soft Puppy Stacking Toy by Rich Frog, $21.99.) The site also offers very reasonable shipping rates:  $5 flat-rate shipping, with orders over $65 delivered for free.

A great site for anyone looking to escape the clutches of Hannah Montana and Optimus Prime–who, by the way, I hear are dating.

The set of 24 blocks in walnut, maplele, and cherry comes boxed and ready to give. And as with every purchase made from Little Sapling Toys, a tree will be planted for every purchase made. Your day to water it is Tuesday.

Block set from Little Sapling Toys, $20+ shipping.

*Parental assembly meltdown

Prices vary based on number of cookies; $51.99 as pictured. Prices range from $7.25 (one cookie) to $88.99 (12 cookies)

I know I’ve been gone for a while. . . let’s call it winter vacation at Gift U. I hope everyone had a great holiday and that you found some great gift ideas here (or elsewhere). What was everyone’s favorite gift to give/receive? I’ll start. . .

I know I’ve mentioned Savor, a popular Etsy soap shop, many, many times, but I simply love soapstress Lisa’s “Creme Fraiche”–whipped soap in a jar available in scrumptious flavors like Blood Orange Granita and Creme Brulee. Lisa’s inventory is constantly changing–you can find a calendar of her upcoming listings here. I bought several mini-sized Creme Fraiche–they are a perfect air-travel appropriate 2 ounces each–for my mother and sister for Chanukah, and they were a big hit. I definitely plan on giving more of these as gifts this year. ($4 for minis, $11 for most 8-ounce jars)

My sister really liked her copy of Here’s the Story: Surviving Marsha Brady and Finding My True Voice by Maureen McCormick ($17.13, Amazon). I’m hoping it will be followed by Pork Chopsh and Applesawce: Peter Brady Speaks Out, but I won’t hold my breath.

As for myself, I think my favorite gift (other than the Toshiba laptop I purchased with my gelt) was the giant ceramic mug I requested at the last minute. If you know someone who always seems to have a mug of tea or coffee or cocoa or Postum or hot Pepsi or whatever floats their boat, a giant mug for oversized beverages are great. (You can find many hand-thrown ones on ETSY; you can also find ceramic mugs at any grocery store, drug store, Target, etc.)

The gift that may have changed my life the most, though, is the Peek my father gave my mother.  The Peek ($79.99)  is a portable device for e-mail, and nothing else–no phone calls, no Internet, no games, no airbags, no espresso maker, no time machine. . . you get the idea. Service costs $19.99 a month. Why has this changed my life? Because now my mother can e-mail me any mundane message she wants, from “I’m heading to the butcher and I hope they have cornish game hens” to “Please e-mail your father to let him know who played Rooster in Annie; also, who played Daddy Warbucks.” (Answers: Tim Curry, and Albert Finney. DUH.)

Please, people. Don’t put this technology in the wrong hands.

In the coming weeks, follow Present Professor as we switch gears to Valentine’s Day, Presidents’ Day, SuperBowl Sunday (ok, some of these aren’t gift-giving holidays, unless you’re a president) as well as great ideas for the everday gift-requisite events in your life. Also look for the return of the giveaway. . . and don’t forget to Ask Present Professor if you need a great gift idea. Have a great 2009!

Imagine it’s Christmas Eve, and you’re on your way to a big family dinner, but you’ve been too busy to buy presents because you’re a neurobiologist at Columbia and you’ve been studying proton transfers in the frontal lobe all week. (OK, so maybe there was a little too much back story.) You have an hour to shop. Go. (To kill two birds with one stone, I’ve selected items that are also available on Amazon.com, where you can order through today and still use free super-saver shipping to get your items by December 24.)

1. For Mom, Sis, Cousin Barbara, Unnamed woman with parched hands. . . pamper ‘em all with items from Burt’s Bees — this particular hand care set includes lemon-butter cuticle cream, almond-milk beeswax hand cream, a pair of restorative treatment gloves and a mini-book about hand care. Bees not included, which is good, ’cause, you know, they sting, and honey is sticky, and live bees just don’t make good gifts. ($8.95)

2. For Dad, Aunt Carol, that dude who always has corn in his teeth. . . the Oral B Triumph 9900 Toothbrush with Smart Guide (SRP: $149.99 Amazon:$104.99). This toothbrush eats other toothbrushes for dinner–then brushes its teeth with itself. If Dale Earnhardt Jr. drove a toothbrush instead of a race car, he’d be driving this toothbrush. We’re talking 40,000 in-and-out pulsations a minute. A remote display that shows you how long to brush in each quadrant of your mouth. A sensor to tell you when you’re brushing too hard. And you thought it couldn’t get any better than mint-flavored floss.

3. For anyone who ever gets cold: college students, parents, siblings, grand uncles, misplaced warm-weather penguins. . . Meet the plush throw blanket, my friends. As ubiquitous as it is useful–who doesn’t want an extra blankie to cuddle up with on the couch? Target has them. So does KMart, Kohl’s, Walmart, Macy’s, Bed Bath and Beyond, and just about every other store. In fact, if Gimbel’s hadn’t gone out of business in 1987, they’d be world renowned for their plush throw blankets. I love my Pinzon Microtec Throw from Amazon ($9.99). But you can’t have it. Buy your own!

4. For the young ones, consider some board games. Now, at first they’ll be confused and try to stuff those little Monopoly houses into their Wii consoles. And don’t be surprised if a 3-year-old loses at Chutes and Ladders and calls it an “epic fail.” But nonetheless, this is a great time to introduce your kids (or someone else’s) to games that require no batteries, chargers, or fake guitars, and that can be played over and over again. Games like Cranium Cadoo ($9.99) encourage friendly competition and creative play.

So I’m finally at the register, ready to buy my generic cough medicine and what is now $4,000 worth of gifts for my imaginary neurobiologist to give her imaginary family. One thing that’s not imaginary: The clock. It’s ticking–one week of shopping left!