Imagine it’s Christmas Eve, and you’re on your way to a big family dinner, but you’ve been too busy to buy presents because you’re a neurobiologist at Columbia and you’ve been studying proton transfers in the frontal lobe all week. (OK, so maybe there was a little too much back story.) You have an hour to shop. Go. (To kill two birds with one stone, I’ve selected items that are also available on Amazon.com, where you can order through today and still use free super-saver shipping to get your items by December 24.)

1. For Mom, Sis, Cousin Barbara, Unnamed woman with parched hands. . . pamper ‘em all with items from Burt’s Bees — this particular hand care set includes lemon-butter cuticle cream, almond-milk beeswax hand cream, a pair of restorative treatment gloves and a mini-book about hand care. Bees not included, which is good, ’cause, you know, they sting, and honey is sticky, and live bees just don’t make good gifts. ($8.95)

2. For Dad, Aunt Carol, that dude who always has corn in his teeth. . . the Oral B Triumph 9900 Toothbrush with Smart Guide (SRP: $149.99 Amazon:$104.99). This toothbrush eats other toothbrushes for dinner–then brushes its teeth with itself. If Dale Earnhardt Jr. drove a toothbrush instead of a race car, he’d be driving this toothbrush. We’re talking 40,000 in-and-out pulsations a minute. A remote display that shows you how long to brush in each quadrant of your mouth. A sensor to tell you when you’re brushing too hard. And you thought it couldn’t get any better than mint-flavored floss.

3. For anyone who ever gets cold: college students, parents, siblings, grand uncles, misplaced warm-weather penguins. . . Meet the plush throw blanket, my friends. As ubiquitous as it is useful–who doesn’t want an extra blankie to cuddle up with on the couch? Target has them. So does KMart, Kohl’s, Walmart, Macy’s, Bed Bath and Beyond, and just about every other store. In fact, if Gimbel’s hadn’t gone out of business in 1987, they’d be world renowned for their plush throw blankets. I love my Pinzon Microtec Throw from Amazon ($9.99). But you can’t have it. Buy your own!

4. For the young ones, consider some board games. Now, at first they’ll be confused and try to stuff those little Monopoly houses into their Wii consoles. And don’t be surprised if a 3-year-old loses at Chutes and Ladders and calls it an “epic fail.” But nonetheless, this is a great time to introduce your kids (or someone else’s) to games that require no batteries, chargers, or fake guitars, and that can be played over and over again. Games like Cranium Cadoo ($9.99) encourage friendly competition and creative play.

So I’m finally at the register, ready to buy my generic cough medicine and what is now $4,000 worth of gifts for my imaginary neurobiologist to give her imaginary family. One thing that’s not imaginary: The clock. It’s ticking–one week of shopping left!

We don’t have “family game night” in our house, but we do have a regularly-scheduled “let’s fight about what game to play because our kids are 6 years apart and never want to play the same thing” night.

Here’s where the Green Eggs and Ham Speedy Diner game comes in. One person is the “chef,” calling out the orders of each dinner guest (the fox, the goat, and the mouse). The object of the game is to keep the fox from eating the goat and the goat from eating the mouse at any cost. Hey, it’s a fox eat goat eat mouse world out there, and kids need to learn early.

Wait, stop. That’s not this game at all. In the real game, players (”waiters”) have to choose the proper items based on food, color and shape, and deliver them to the guests. The web site describes it as “fast-paced, frenetically fun” and, um, yes, frenetic is the right word.

At first play, my 4-year-old dissolved into tears because her 10 year old brother got all the food items faster than her and she didn’t get a chance to deliver anything. But being the (cough, cough) master of conflict resolution that I am, we worked it out by letting my daughter be the chef. Even if your child can’t read, she can easily call out the guests and food items. The rest of us had a blast rushing around as the waiters.

One note: There is no specific “winner” in this game. It’s a team effort and the goal is to be as fast as possible. My 10-year-old was initially annoyed by that, but soon got over it because the game is just pretty dang fun.

The other “I Can Do That” Games look just as fun. Buy a game and add the corresponding Dr. Suess book and you’ve got a great gift. And to get you started, we’re giving away the Horton Hears a Who – You to the Rescue! game. Just leave a comment below to be entered to win.

And wait, wait! Want to earn 2 extra chances to win this game? Just “Ask the Present Professor” about your gift-giving challenge! That’s right–here’s your chance to test out the Professor’s skills in finding you the perfect gift for your child, parent, piano teacher, piano tuner, little man who lives inside your piano, etc. If you email the professor with a gift-giving question, then leave a comment here, we’ll give you two more chances to win this game! It’s a win/win situation. . . which totally makes up for the whole “no winning” in the Green Eggs and Ham game.

This contest is now ended.

1. Air Hogs Zero Gravity remote control car, $24.95

2. Nerf Dart Tag Strikefire 2-Pack, $26.99

3. Wild Planet Spy Wire Game, $14.98

4. Star Wars Transformers Crossovers Republic Gunship/Clone Pilot, $14.95

5. Tabletop Foosball Table, $59 + free shipping

As in, the game comes with 133 of them. Take that, Pop-O-Matic Trouble!

The object of the game is to advance on the game board by performing different tasks with the variety of dice. . . For example, you may be asked to name as many state capitals as the number you’ve rolled. Or you may be asked to make a stack of 6 dice in 30 seconds. Or you might be asked to leave game night, if you eat all the dip and spill creme soda on the game board.

There is also a kid’s version of the game that comes with 13 dice. . . because with kids, anything more would be dicey.

Regular version (ages 12+): $24.95; Kid’s version (6+): $14.95. Available at BarnesandNoble.com and at select Barnes and Noble stores.

Thankfully, we no longer have to choose, because each one of these Human Skeleton Playing Cards by Synheme features the name and picture of a different bone. And in the international spirit, each bone is labeled in English, Spanish, and French. Now the only question on everyone’s mind is, “Do you have the cervical vertabra?” The answer: Go Fish.

It only makes sense that these cards were made in Canada, where Old Maid is a national obsession and there are more osteopaths per capita than anywhere outside of the European Union. . . except that this sentence makes very little sense at all, and is mostly false. But they really are made in Canada. For reals.

By Synheme. $5.98 + shipping (free shipping eligible) from Amazon.com. Perfect for science enthusiasts, card players, and magicians. And skeletons. No, really, could you imagine a group of skeletons playing Texas Hold ‘Em with this deck, and one of them shouts out, “I know that scapula! That’s Marty!”