Do it yourself blood-typing test kit.
Just add blood.
Yes, really.
$8.99 at Think Geek.

Remember that dream your friend had where she was stuck in an elevator on the 85th floor of the Sears Tower with a chihuahua that had Corey Feldman’s head and the song Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows played over and over again?
Remember how annoyed you were to have to listen to this person talk and [...]

Uh, no. You’re a stuffed goat, you sing “The Lonely Goatherd,” and proceeds from your sale benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights Aids. And you cost $30. And. . . and. . . you’re fabulous.

Recycled LED Motherboard Menorah, $19.99 at Perpetual Kid

Remember that boyfriend you had who was impossible to shop for? The one who loved LEGOs, and Star Wars, and magnets, and you? And also robbing banks, which is why he’s not your boyfriend anymore? Well, if he was, you could buy him this limited edition metallic chrome Stormtrooper LEGO minifigure magnet ($9.99 at shop.lego.com). [...]

Let’s face it, people. Most of us are slobs. Muffin-loving slobs. Muffin-loving, Internet-surfing slobs. Now, give your muffin-loving slobby friend a USB keyboard vac. You plug it directly into your laptop, making it portable, practical, and perfect for stuffing into stockings. And also, for removing stuffing from in between the keys on your keyboard.

They say not to dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. With that in mind, here’s the perfect item for anyone itching to give it all up and work at the world’s greatest animated convenience store.

Kwik E Mart hat, $14.99 at Fox Shop.